Random Thoughts and Ideas: On Giving Up and Letting Go

You know the feeling of giving up? Like there’s no other way? I hate it. It’s like heartburn. You can’t do anything about it. You just have to wait for it to subside. And I don’t know if giving up on love is like heartburn. Will it subside that fast? Or will it stay in me for a very long time and leave my heart with a scar?

They said that to give up is to let go. But every idea will haunt your mind. To let go seems impossible. Impossible when you see it everyday. Impossible when you can’t even be recognized with that feeling. It’s like having no friend — no one who can understand. I’ve been longing to give up for a long time. But I can’t seem to let go.

Life is unfair. When you’re given everything you don’t need, and deprive you of what you want. Of course, it could wait – I could wait. But there’s nothing, even a hint or a sign that it will happen to me. I feel depressed that I think no one cares.

Rejection hurts. It’s when you’ve tried everything, but nothing happens. It’s when you’ve done all you can, but you seem to wait for nothing. Rejection has no cure, unless you find someone who can erase all that scars of rejection.

GADD. That was so cheesy. )

JEEPNEY

I continued writing entries even though we have no net . Here’s one of my interesting experience last summer.

The jeepney, which was invented by Mr. Sarao (sorry, I forgot his first name), is one popular public vehicle. In any part of the Philippines, you will see these “jeeps” parading around, in wonderful colors and with different signage. Well, if you set aside the smoke-belching jeeps and their rude drivers, I think these PUV’s are one of the most creative inventions in the Philippine history.

We rode one yesterday. I mean, this is not an extraordinary experience for me, because I’ve been riding one since I am a kid. I remember that one of my elementary classmates has never ridden one, because she has asthma. Anyway, back to the story. :p We went to the mall yesterday because we have some noisy neighbors, We ate and went to National Bookstore which is practically my mom and moi’s sanctuary. LOL. Basta, we have to skip those parts para di masyadong mahaba. We had a hard time looking for a jeep which travels until Tunasan. But when we found one, we were one of those few people in it. When it is half full, the other passengers are, well, different. As in the biggest difference I’ve seen ever.

1. Two ladies and a little boy. They were wearing clothes with those politicians’ faces, the ones who promised them that they will have a better life if they vote for them, not! Clean as they were, I supposed that they are poor. I mean, we are also poor, but you get the point.

2. A blind couple, guided by a kind man. The man left when they said thanks and the old man, I think, is very generous to offer help to the couple. Coincidentally, I was familiar with the couple because we also were the same passenger of another jeep that they have ridden before.

3. A family consisting of their mom, a kuya, and a cute little girl. The brother was cute too. And he took care of his sister, without any reminder from their mom. Ideal brother. Yes, brother. Haha.

4. A middle-aged lady, and *cough* her foreigner boyfriend. She looks 55++. But foreigners are popular with the way they choose girls because they don’t look at the looks. They just want someone to take care of them. BTW, the foreigner looks like 45 or so.

5. A gay and a cute girl. I think they work in a call center. Because they are very stylish(even for a guy-turned-gay)! I mean, I don’t have anything against being gay or anything, but it’s their choice and I accept it. I sometimes wish for a gay friend. Because they are so funny and I think they are like girls, just a little better. And the girl is very cute. She looks like the girl in Princess Hours and Coffee Prince.

6. A mom who works in an office. She looks so haggard, like she has to attend to her kids’ needs. I saw my mom in her. I liked it that moms are the best. Dads are cool too! J

I just saw the journey of life in that jeepney ride. The kind and courteous driver like God. Because there was like so many people riding with me, I don’t know if they mean anything or what. But I saw the differences of people. No one is the same. No person has been made the same. Thank God for that. Thank Him that He is driving our rides still. That He is giving us the breath of Life. I saw that God blessed me with so many things others have—a complete family, a complete body, provisions, and many people who love me. I saw that somehow, I was different because God is in me. That my desire for God is like a burning bush—in flames, but is not hurting me, but protecting me.

I saw that we are the ones who will ask God where to drop us. And after we accomplish things in a place, we will ride a jeep again, with God as our driver, to fulfill our mission and to let God guide us in the destiny that He gave each and every one of us.

CHOCOLATES!

The Chocolate Oracle Says You’re Mellow

You are sweet, mellow, and easily satisfied. You don’t like anything too intense and dramatic. Deep down, you’re a kid at heart… and you’re nostalgic for the past. You are laid back and fairly easy to please. All you need in life is your friends. Sometimes you go along to get along… but you don’t mind. You love being around people. Friendships are important to you. You feel lost when you’re by yourself… so you tend to avoid being alone.

I love chocolates.. before. Not that I won’t eat any from now on but thinking of it now, I feel like I’m giving up on chocolate. Thinking of it makes my head swirl, like I’m in an invisible carousel –you feel happy riding on it, but after the ride, you feel dizzy, and you want to curse that f ‘n (sorry) creator of that ride. It’s also weird that I’m addicted to chocolates back then. I always have migraines, which is hereditary. And the things that I’m not allowed to eat are: chocolates and cheese (fave foods ) The randomness of life. *sigh*

You are sweet, mellow, and easily satisfied.

I’m sweet. The kind that I don’t let a day pass without telling my mom that I love her. The kind of sweet that even though you’re the one with the problem, I am the one who’s hurt the most. I always want hugs and kisses from my friends. And my simple gestures and random teasings are my way of saying I love you and thank you and I’m sorry and all that. Mellow in the sense that I don’t show that I am mad. Yes, I’m not mellow in parties or in dancing but I like to listen to classical songs and mellow songs more than upbeat songs. I’m easily satisfied because I just want happiness — for me and my friends, my family, and of course, my mom and dad. Just that. i want my loved ones to be happy. And I’m not wishing for more. It’s okay for me not to be loved by the one that I love, basta someone still loves me, I’m contented with that.

There. I’m gonna post per line. Para madaming magawang posts. Ciao for now.

I’m Thankful For: LOVE

For a month, I haven’t watch any TV series, commercial, etc. And  I was so intrigued of the Mcdonald’s commercial that everyone talks about. The line “Ikaw pa rin ang first love ko” was stucked in my head so I searched it in YouTube. Our internet connection is kinda choppy so I watched the video bit by bit. And when they came to the part that the girl was introducing her husband, tears streamed down my eyes. I thought of those days back in my first year in high school. (I’m being open about this ha. )

When I entered MunSci or my high school years, I wasn’t aware that this is the stage where teenagers get into relationships. I was so surprised when my classmates were talking about how many boyfriends they’ve had. Being that innocent person I WAS :p, I didn’t talk or made comments about it. Eventually, someone courted me in the class, and I was about to say yes to him. Buti na lang! But I have to admit, he is my first (puppy) love. But I wasn’t ready to commit and until now, I value my days of singleness. And as I watched my friends having boyfriends or girlfriends one by one, and seeing some of them fall out of that relationships for some reasons, I am so thankful of the people who thought me how to love sincerely and whole-heartedly.

Every time I feel alone, I always envy those who got lots of people around them. I just realized that not all of them loves that certain someone. And even if I’m alone, I know that those people who are closest to me are the ones who loves me best. To enumerate them all may take me a whole day or days, but I’ll list my top 5:

GOD

Obviously, my great and amazing Father is the one who loves me the best of all! He created me in the uniqueness of His image and called me her daughter. He provides for me well and gives me everything I need. He takes care of those people I love and His love will never be compared to anyone else’s love for me.

PARENTS

God gave me 2 of the most wonderful people in the world. My mom and dad! These two gives me the physical affection that our Father can’t give for now. They taught me how to value other people and the essence of loving anyone even with their faults or difference.

FAMILY

My family showed how loving is. I was showered with gifts, money, and all the material things they can buy for me. But nothing will ever replace the values and memories they gave me. Including the way their love is for me.

FRIENDS

Yeah, I know we fight. But you’re the bestest people close to my relatives! You showed me how you love other people. You showed me the consequences and everything about teen life and love even if not deliberately. I’m most thankful of my bestfriends who never ever left me and loved me for who I am.

CHURCH FRIENDS AND ACQUAINTANCES

My spiritual family is also the best. With the best values, they taught me things about life. They inspired me to do others good and love those unlovable people. They taught me how to be kind and compassionate to everything.

I give thanks to everyone who loves me. Those who took the time to know me. I’ll never ever forget, that I should be thankful for those person who loved me despite of my imperfections.

…at kahit hindi naging kami sa huli

sya pa rin ang first love ko.

For Everything I Give YOU Gratitude

Since I had an idea on what the wealth of the world is, I became one ungrateful person. Sure, I was happy to have this, or that, but I’m not really contented with my life. I was that ignorant kid thinking of herself as a low-class person because I don’t have things that my friends have. As they say, all human beings tend to be envious and try to worship material things. It was when I grew older that I realized that these things are not worth anything. That I should be more than thankful for the wonderful moments and memories I’ve shared with the most important people in my life.

I grew up with an extended family. It was still 2006 that we seperated from them. Almost all of our relatives are catholics, so I believed and practiced catholic traditions. When I reached my 2nd year in high school, I commited again to the Lord and my life is turning to be one great experience. In my high school days, I also met different people with different stories. Some of them is like an adapted tale from those fairytale books that we’ve read when we were kids, and some were like those telenovelas that our mothers watch (and we are so sick of watching it with them). I realized the importance of family, of relationships, and of great faith in God. With this realizations, I’ll be starting some entries of why I am so thankful about the life that God has given me.

Praise God for giving every being their breath!

Nobody should be fooled to believe a fool.

Lately, I’ve been seeing someone, a friend, getting depressed. She wouldn’t admit it, of course. But it is so obvious. Sheis always sleeping, always starving herself, and always go to school with her eyes all bloodshot and sore from crying her heart out. Who wouldn’t pity her? Who wouldn’t be able to notice the changes with her? And it is all because of some stupid mutt who broke her heart.

This stupid and disgusting guy told her he just wanted some space. And I just relized, he wanted space for another girl. The girl she is courting now (if she’s not the girlfriend, YET) is very kind and sweet. And I can’t bear the thought that maybe she’ll be a victim too. This male specie is a user! A mean one.

I hope my friend isn’t like that. Mukha tuloy nagmamakaawa at naghahabol siya. It isn’t nice. And it’s making this loggerheaded guy more boastful. My mom said, If she were in my friend’s place, she’ll spread the word that she wasn’t really in a relationship with the guy.  Sana nga.  Sana nga she have the courage to do that.  IT WILL BRING ME PEACE!

I know I’m not really allowed to be discussing this in public,  not in the right place to blab about someone else’s problem. Well, i just don’t want anyone to be fooled by boys who just want to collect girls for display. Know when you’ll be in a right relationship, and in the right time.

I HATE THE GUYS who are dopey, foolish, goosey, blockheaded, boneheaded, duncical,  fatheaded, logger headed,  thickheaded, thick-skulled, wooden-headed cloddish, doltish dense, dim, dull, dumb, obtuse, slowgaumless, gormless lumpish, lumpen, unthinkin, nitwitted, senseless, soft-witted, witlessweak, yokel-like FOR FOOLING GIRLS WHO DESERVE MORE!

I was thinking of a vampire, really.

Hair color: I know it was black. WAS.

Eye color: I don’t know

Height: He’s definitely taller than me

Body type: Ahm, he became thinner, I guess

Weight: He’s heavy. )

High school stereotype: The good guy?

Athletic or smart: Both

Tall and skinny or short and toned: Tall and toned

Religious views: He’s a Catholic

I am definitely infatuated by Edward Cullen. I know very well that he’s a fictional character. But I am comparing him to someone mortal, who dazzles me as well.

Thinking about it, he is one of the best guys I’ve ever known. I won’t consider him as a best friend practically because I have a crush on him. And sadly, he knows but tries to be oblivious about it. It’s also not that easy to not help but like him more because of his perfectly flawed characteristic. I know he is aware that I have been crushing on him since a year ago, but he became very polite not to be mayabang or pasikat about it.

I barely talked to him for the last few months. And I have realized something that made me consider to talk to him again. If God would want him for me, then He will give me this guy at the right time. And if this guy isn’t for me, then God just wants him to be one of those people that will look out for me.

I’m very happy that I am seeing him this way again. Not the kind that I make iwas of him and try to alter my activities just to try to stay away. But it didn’t do me any good. I know, that in the right time, everything will be easier for me to understand that God works in super mysterious ways and that He won’t allow something or someone to hurt or harm me in the most unlikely way.

Yeah. I know a vampire should dazzle me.

You don’t feel the pain because it’s all psychological

I just realized that he’s in love with somebody else.

WAAHHH.

No. I don’t love him like, you know. I love him like a sister loves his kuya. He barely knows me and I know him because I spy on him. ) It just shocked me, that a person that oblivious, someone so snobby and masungit, someone who is an emo (as my mom describes him), and someone who isn’t expected to fall in love falls in love. Aba, he’s special ah. I wrote a post about him. A solo post too!

I don’t know what to feel when I knew about his feelings (but I think he’s torpe because he haven’t asked the girl out). I was screaming and my mom thought I saw another roach. Like yesterday, I want to bang my head on the monitor. I am, until now, dazed.

We were opposites. But we both believe in those principles. I won’t say it because it will be too obvious who it is. I hope him well! And another thing, I think it’s all in the mind. I didn’t feel hurt when I learned about it, and I was happy that I am not crying over something so silly. )

Haha, a little rant here, and a little rant there. XD

How change is permanent…

I don’t know how to start this post. Its been a long time since I wrote and it is somehow very hard. I feel irritated because things are changing into something that they aren’t supposed to be. I am not used to this change. If it is something for the better, why wouldn’t I agree? But if it is something like this, then I’d rather be doomed.

A friend, for me, should be someone permanent. Not that I am not permitting my friends to not ever change, but isn’t it weird if some friend of yours just go and make him/herself your very own doggie tail? It’s very annoying and irritable. I don’t have the courage to tell him/her to stop. I am afraid to hurt his/her feelings. I haven’t talk about this with my mom because I think that she will just side with my friend. She also have this pesky way of retaining things and traits that should be erased, banished, in the world forever!

My mom? She isn’t used to see my room cluttered even though my room is always messy and can be compared to be the same as a pigsty (not really, but close). I just had this argument with her and I think I’m going to freak-out or I’ll just bang my head on the monitor to avoid more damage. I know I have the fault here, but I am so tired of all the nagging and the shouting. I’ve been trying not to be mad and think of very moronic things that I’ll do if I can’t contain her sermons.

I should be aware that things would always be in constant motion. It’s like the Earth, and the other planets. But the difference is they move in constant and unchanging paths. If they ever change, then it is after some long period of time. And I can’t think that people will change or stay the same because I wanted them to. I guess I’m not the ruler of their life.

*scream*

*freak-out*

*bang head on the monitor*

*die then wake-up*

Gah.

Can’t deal with promises…

I want to talk about making promises. About making wrong decisions that will hurt after some time. It’s a little melodramatic but hey! I have the rights, this is my blog. XP

What do you feel when you are in the middle of a betting situation and you are perfectly sure that you will win? I’m sure you feel confident and very excited about the turn-out. What if you lose, and you didn’t expect it? What if you have to make a promise about your bet? What if you made the wrong decision about making bets and making promises?

I am not making any bets from now on, really. It made my life complicated. Sure, it is a no-harm-to-be-done betting but I think I’ll be crazy right after this whole thing happens. It is really hard to explain but I know you can relate, a little. I made this bet with someone, and i didn’t notice the big sign on its front saying “ALL WRONG, TURN BACK NOW“. It is too late to turn back now. I don’t want to fulfill that promise, although it will make me a bad friend. I’m getting nervous. It’s nearly lunch time! Waa.

All of you, just remember, don’t make bets that are harmful, dangerous, moronic, and all that. And try not to make promises either. For you won’t be sure of the consequences and the “feel” of this right after you don’t want to do it.