I lay in my bed a few minutes later, resigned as the pain finally made its
appearance.
It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time. Rationally, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing. My heart must have been beating, too, but I couldn’t hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold. I curled inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together. I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me.
And yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the pain—the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head—but it was manageable. I could live through it. It didn’t feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I’d grown strong enough to bear it.
This is my first time to experience this: Pain — so sharp, so excruciating. It was worse than I’ve imagined. I was too happy to be able to think about pain. But now, how I wish I can turn everything back.The fact that it reaches up to my bones, trying to break it into tiny pieces wasn’t really painful for me. The most painful is that my fragile heart, which is full of love, shatters bit by bit, every fraction of it shouts my undeniable and unequivocal love for her.
Everyday, I am on the verge of breaking down. But I didn’t tell anyone what happened, so I keep my mouth shut to prevent regrets to come out of it and my eyes closed to hold back any tears from spilling. All the people around me thinks I am happy. I was a little tensed when someone notices that I’ve changed. But I tell them that I just lack sleep. And when I smile at them, it shows the fabricated world I’ve been building to hide the shadows of my pain. No one sees my grief. No one will be able to understand the misery I’m in.
Tonight should I sleep, without knowing what comes in the morning — without the reason to wake up again.
This post is for someone else, and not for me. Just to let you now the agony of a person, who tries to smile even if in pain. Excerpt from Bella in the second Twilight installment New Moon.
