Random Thoughts and Ideas: On Giving Up and Letting Go

You know the feeling of giving up? Like there’s no other way? I hate it. It’s like heartburn. You can’t do anything about it. You just have to wait for it to subside. And I don’t know if giving up on love is like heartburn. Will it subside that fast? Or will it stay in me for a very long time and leave my heart with a scar?

They said that to give up is to let go. But every idea will haunt your mind. To let go seems impossible. Impossible when you see it everyday. Impossible when you can’t even be recognized with that feeling. It’s like having no friend — no one who can understand. I’ve been longing to give up for a long time. But I can’t seem to let go.

Life is unfair. When you’re given everything you don’t need, and deprive you of what you want. Of course, it could wait – I could wait. But there’s nothing, even a hint or a sign that it will happen to me. I feel depressed that I think no one cares.

Rejection hurts. It’s when you’ve tried everything, but nothing happens. It’s when you’ve done all you can, but you seem to wait for nothing. Rejection has no cure, unless you find someone who can erase all that scars of rejection.

GADD. That was so cheesy. )

Of wasted days, text messages, and Cory Aquino

I was looking forward to a relaxing day. I woke up at 6:30 and my mom was panicking and asking me, “Papasok ka ba?“.

Well, I was spacing out so I didn’t answer. Mom fell asleep again, so I also went back to bed. BUT! Before sleeping, I checked text messages and I found one that made that hour a little more, uhm, happy? Basta, it made me giddy. Because I know that message is for me, and I know it’s not a group message. and he made an effort to type it (although it was not even a sentence). You know me– silly, a little shallow. Gah. Then everything went wrong.

I am a mess. Like until now. I don’t feel well. I have this ‘girl-sickness’ going on. I was quite sad with our morning greeter from paragraph 2, I just felt chaos forming around my brain. And instead of having a peaceful day, things didn’t turn really great. I’m not even excited to go to school. Crap. Wasted. Even my day, is wasted.

Oh, and another. I am so sad about Former President Cory Aquino. I didn’t even meet her personally. I wanted to go to Ayala Ave. with my mom this morning but we both did not go. May her legacy and her advocacy on democracy continue. Let’s not be trapped on the stupid ideas of some of our rotten government officials. We should always stick to the true law and not on the officials making ‘law-ko‘ of the people (I know, corny but true).

Touch a blogger: Tie a yellow ribbon for Cory Aquino!

My fellow bloggers, I invite you to Touch a blogger: Tie a yellow ribbon for Cory Aquino! Very simple:

1. Create an entry entitled:  “Touch a blogger: Tie a yellow ribbon for Cory Aquino!“. A link to this original entry will be appreciated, but is not required.

2. Post a yellow ribbon in your blog for President Cory Aquino. Whatever form of yellow ribbon that your creative imagination can come up with.

3. Invite other bloggers to tie a yellow ribbon for Cory.

President Cory Aquino has done a lot for us Filipinos.  She’s suffered more than enough. I might not agree with some of the things that she has done but that is beside the point.  My respect is unconditional and I will thank this great woman for the biggest and most valuable gift that she has given us Filipinos – giving back our freedom and liberty. And as a blogger, there is not much that I can do, other than offer prayers for Cory Aquino. With this, let’s show our love and respect for Cory through our blogs and I invite all the writers of Barrio Siete, readers and commenters to Tie a yellow ribbon for Cory Aquino! Thank you!

~La Kapitana~ Barriosiete.com

I hope she will become better. It is so hard to think that a woman of such a strong character would suffer from this kind of disease. I feel her every suffering, like I’m the one experiencing it. I know, very surreal. But come on people, let us all pray for her well-being and also for her family.

JEEPNEY

I continued writing entries even though we have no net . Here’s one of my interesting experience last summer.

The jeepney, which was invented by Mr. Sarao (sorry, I forgot his first name), is one popular public vehicle. In any part of the Philippines, you will see these “jeeps” parading around, in wonderful colors and with different signage. Well, if you set aside the smoke-belching jeeps and their rude drivers, I think these PUV’s are one of the most creative inventions in the Philippine history.

We rode one yesterday. I mean, this is not an extraordinary experience for me, because I’ve been riding one since I am a kid. I remember that one of my elementary classmates has never ridden one, because she has asthma. Anyway, back to the story. :p We went to the mall yesterday because we have some noisy neighbors, We ate and went to National Bookstore which is practically my mom and moi’s sanctuary. LOL. Basta, we have to skip those parts para di masyadong mahaba. We had a hard time looking for a jeep which travels until Tunasan. But when we found one, we were one of those few people in it. When it is half full, the other passengers are, well, different. As in the biggest difference I’ve seen ever.

1. Two ladies and a little boy. They were wearing clothes with those politicians’ faces, the ones who promised them that they will have a better life if they vote for them, not! Clean as they were, I supposed that they are poor. I mean, we are also poor, but you get the point.

2. A blind couple, guided by a kind man. The man left when they said thanks and the old man, I think, is very generous to offer help to the couple. Coincidentally, I was familiar with the couple because we also were the same passenger of another jeep that they have ridden before.

3. A family consisting of their mom, a kuya, and a cute little girl. The brother was cute too. And he took care of his sister, without any reminder from their mom. Ideal brother. Yes, brother. Haha.

4. A middle-aged lady, and *cough* her foreigner boyfriend. She looks 55++. But foreigners are popular with the way they choose girls because they don’t look at the looks. They just want someone to take care of them. BTW, the foreigner looks like 45 or so.

5. A gay and a cute girl. I think they work in a call center. Because they are very stylish(even for a guy-turned-gay)! I mean, I don’t have anything against being gay or anything, but it’s their choice and I accept it. I sometimes wish for a gay friend. Because they are so funny and I think they are like girls, just a little better. And the girl is very cute. She looks like the girl in Princess Hours and Coffee Prince.

6. A mom who works in an office. She looks so haggard, like she has to attend to her kids’ needs. I saw my mom in her. I liked it that moms are the best. Dads are cool too! J

I just saw the journey of life in that jeepney ride. The kind and courteous driver like God. Because there was like so many people riding with me, I don’t know if they mean anything or what. But I saw the differences of people. No one is the same. No person has been made the same. Thank God for that. Thank Him that He is driving our rides still. That He is giving us the breath of Life. I saw that God blessed me with so many things others have—a complete family, a complete body, provisions, and many people who love me. I saw that somehow, I was different because God is in me. That my desire for God is like a burning bush—in flames, but is not hurting me, but protecting me.

I saw that we are the ones who will ask God where to drop us. And after we accomplish things in a place, we will ride a jeep again, with God as our driver, to fulfill our mission and to let God guide us in the destiny that He gave each and every one of us.

Ready to Forgive and Ready to be Forgiven

If anyone was offended with my posts, especially the post ‘Nobody should be fooled to believe a fool’, I am very sorry. I know it is likely that people should get mad at me for sharing those thoughts. i just love my friend/s and I am just sad at the thought of them being unhappy.

If ever you have anything to say to me, anything against me, I accept it wholeheartedly and I hope you forgive me.

If someone have offended me, I am ready to forgive too.

Ciao.

Fabricated Smiles of a Wretched Soul

I lay in my bed a few minutes later, resigned as the pain finally made its
appearance.

It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time. Rationally, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing. My heart must have been beating, too, but I couldn’t hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold. I curled inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together. I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me.

And yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the pain—the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head—but it was manageable. I could live through it. It didn’t feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I’d grown strong enough to bear it.

This is my first time to experience this: Pain — so sharp, so excruciating. It was worse than I’ve imagined. I was too happy to be able to think about pain. But now, how I wish I can turn everything back.The fact that it reaches up to my bones, trying to break it into tiny pieces wasn’t really painful for me. The most painful is that my fragile heart, which is full of love, shatters bit by bit, every fraction of it shouts my undeniable and unequivocal love for her.

Everyday, I am on the verge of  breaking down. But I didn’t tell anyone what happened, so I keep my mouth shut to prevent regrets to come out of it and my eyes closed to hold back any tears from spilling. All the people around me thinks I am happy. I was a little tensed when someone notices that I’ve changed. But I tell them that I just lack sleep. And when I smile at them, it shows the fabricated world I’ve been building to hide the shadows of my pain. No one sees my grief. No one will be able to understand the misery I’m in.

Tonight should I sleep, without knowing what comes in the morning — without the reason to wake up again.

This post is for someone else, and not for me. Just to let you now the agony of a person, who tries to smile even if in pain. Excerpt from Bella in the second Twilight installment New Moon.

CHOCOLATES!

The Chocolate Oracle Says You’re Mellow

You are sweet, mellow, and easily satisfied. You don’t like anything too intense and dramatic. Deep down, you’re a kid at heart… and you’re nostalgic for the past. You are laid back and fairly easy to please. All you need in life is your friends. Sometimes you go along to get along… but you don’t mind. You love being around people. Friendships are important to you. You feel lost when you’re by yourself… so you tend to avoid being alone.

I love chocolates.. before. Not that I won’t eat any from now on but thinking of it now, I feel like I’m giving up on chocolate. Thinking of it makes my head swirl, like I’m in an invisible carousel –you feel happy riding on it, but after the ride, you feel dizzy, and you want to curse that f ‘n (sorry) creator of that ride. It’s also weird that I’m addicted to chocolates back then. I always have migraines, which is hereditary. And the things that I’m not allowed to eat are: chocolates and cheese (fave foods ) The randomness of life. *sigh*

You are sweet, mellow, and easily satisfied.

I’m sweet. The kind that I don’t let a day pass without telling my mom that I love her. The kind of sweet that even though you’re the one with the problem, I am the one who’s hurt the most. I always want hugs and kisses from my friends. And my simple gestures and random teasings are my way of saying I love you and thank you and I’m sorry and all that. Mellow in the sense that I don’t show that I am mad. Yes, I’m not mellow in parties or in dancing but I like to listen to classical songs and mellow songs more than upbeat songs. I’m easily satisfied because I just want happiness — for me and my friends, my family, and of course, my mom and dad. Just that. i want my loved ones to be happy. And I’m not wishing for more. It’s okay for me not to be loved by the one that I love, basta someone still loves me, I’m contented with that.

There. I’m gonna post per line. Para madaming magawang posts. Ciao for now.

I’m Thankful For: LOVE

For a month, I haven’t watch any TV series, commercial, etc. And  I was so intrigued of the Mcdonald’s commercial that everyone talks about. The line “Ikaw pa rin ang first love ko” was stucked in my head so I searched it in YouTube. Our internet connection is kinda choppy so I watched the video bit by bit. And when they came to the part that the girl was introducing her husband, tears streamed down my eyes. I thought of those days back in my first year in high school. (I’m being open about this ha. )

When I entered MunSci or my high school years, I wasn’t aware that this is the stage where teenagers get into relationships. I was so surprised when my classmates were talking about how many boyfriends they’ve had. Being that innocent person I WAS :p, I didn’t talk or made comments about it. Eventually, someone courted me in the class, and I was about to say yes to him. Buti na lang! But I have to admit, he is my first (puppy) love. But I wasn’t ready to commit and until now, I value my days of singleness. And as I watched my friends having boyfriends or girlfriends one by one, and seeing some of them fall out of that relationships for some reasons, I am so thankful of the people who thought me how to love sincerely and whole-heartedly.

Every time I feel alone, I always envy those who got lots of people around them. I just realized that not all of them loves that certain someone. And even if I’m alone, I know that those people who are closest to me are the ones who loves me best. To enumerate them all may take me a whole day or days, but I’ll list my top 5:

GOD

Obviously, my great and amazing Father is the one who loves me the best of all! He created me in the uniqueness of His image and called me her daughter. He provides for me well and gives me everything I need. He takes care of those people I love and His love will never be compared to anyone else’s love for me.

PARENTS

God gave me 2 of the most wonderful people in the world. My mom and dad! These two gives me the physical affection that our Father can’t give for now. They taught me how to value other people and the essence of loving anyone even with their faults or difference.

FAMILY

My family showed how loving is. I was showered with gifts, money, and all the material things they can buy for me. But nothing will ever replace the values and memories they gave me. Including the way their love is for me.

FRIENDS

Yeah, I know we fight. But you’re the bestest people close to my relatives! You showed me how you love other people. You showed me the consequences and everything about teen life and love even if not deliberately. I’m most thankful of my bestfriends who never ever left me and loved me for who I am.

CHURCH FRIENDS AND ACQUAINTANCES

My spiritual family is also the best. With the best values, they taught me things about life. They inspired me to do others good and love those unlovable people. They taught me how to be kind and compassionate to everything.

I give thanks to everyone who loves me. Those who took the time to know me. I’ll never ever forget, that I should be thankful for those person who loved me despite of my imperfections.

…at kahit hindi naging kami sa huli

sya pa rin ang first love ko.

For Everything I Give YOU Gratitude

Since I had an idea on what the wealth of the world is, I became one ungrateful person. Sure, I was happy to have this, or that, but I’m not really contented with my life. I was that ignorant kid thinking of herself as a low-class person because I don’t have things that my friends have. As they say, all human beings tend to be envious and try to worship material things. It was when I grew older that I realized that these things are not worth anything. That I should be more than thankful for the wonderful moments and memories I’ve shared with the most important people in my life.

I grew up with an extended family. It was still 2006 that we seperated from them. Almost all of our relatives are catholics, so I believed and practiced catholic traditions. When I reached my 2nd year in high school, I commited again to the Lord and my life is turning to be one great experience. In my high school days, I also met different people with different stories. Some of them is like an adapted tale from those fairytale books that we’ve read when we were kids, and some were like those telenovelas that our mothers watch (and we are so sick of watching it with them). I realized the importance of family, of relationships, and of great faith in God. With this realizations, I’ll be starting some entries of why I am so thankful about the life that God has given me.

Praise God for giving every being their breath!

Nobody should be fooled to believe a fool.

Lately, I’ve been seeing someone, a friend, getting depressed. She wouldn’t admit it, of course. But it is so obvious. Sheis always sleeping, always starving herself, and always go to school with her eyes all bloodshot and sore from crying her heart out. Who wouldn’t pity her? Who wouldn’t be able to notice the changes with her? And it is all because of some stupid mutt who broke her heart.

This stupid and disgusting guy told her he just wanted some space. And I just relized, he wanted space for another girl. The girl she is courting now (if she’s not the girlfriend, YET) is very kind and sweet. And I can’t bear the thought that maybe she’ll be a victim too. This male specie is a user! A mean one.

I hope my friend isn’t like that. Mukha tuloy nagmamakaawa at naghahabol siya. It isn’t nice. And it’s making this loggerheaded guy more boastful. My mom said, If she were in my friend’s place, she’ll spread the word that she wasn’t really in a relationship with the guy.  Sana nga.  Sana nga she have the courage to do that.  IT WILL BRING ME PEACE!

I know I’m not really allowed to be discussing this in public,  not in the right place to blab about someone else’s problem. Well, i just don’t want anyone to be fooled by boys who just want to collect girls for display. Know when you’ll be in a right relationship, and in the right time.

I HATE THE GUYS who are dopey, foolish, goosey, blockheaded, boneheaded, duncical,  fatheaded, logger headed,  thickheaded, thick-skulled, wooden-headed cloddish, doltish dense, dim, dull, dumb, obtuse, slowgaumless, gormless lumpish, lumpen, unthinkin, nitwitted, senseless, soft-witted, witlessweak, yokel-like FOR FOOLING GIRLS WHO DESERVE MORE!